Answers! I finally have some answers, and a lot more questions. Last week I received the results of my DNA test, or at least some of them. This is going to be a process.
Have you ever received test results that you should be happy about but for some reason you just couldn’t muster up the energy to be happy? That was me. I spent almost an hour on the phone going over the big picture DNA results with my practitioner.
There was a lot of bad news. Frankly, I’m a mess. It’s a miracle I’m even functioning with all the crazy stuff going on with my DNA, or rather, what’s not going on with it. Critical parts of my DNA are severely damaged, but the good news is those parts are there and they can be fixed. It’s like my body is a vehicle and the engine is totally shot. Kaput. Not working – at all. The good news is, we can fix the engine and get it running again.
I should be thrilled. My body is fixable! After an entire lifetime of chronic illness, could this be the answer? Is it really possible to fix my broken body for good? I’ve gotten my hopes up so many times. So many times I thought, “This is it. This is the answer I’ve been waiting for!” And then it wasn’t.
I felt overwhelmed. I’ve been struggling with fatigue a lot lately, but as soon as I hung up that phone I felt the darkness descend and I was immediately, completely, and fully exhausted. Even knowing that this might be my last big fight, I didn’t have any fight left in me.
I was done.
I didn’t want to fight anymore. I couldn’t fight anymore.
I wanted this to be over. For good.
My brain told me that I should be happy, that this was good news.
My practitioner had explained how the things we have done in the past kept the engine in my truck. Without the things we have already done it would have fallen out the rusted out shell and there would be no engine to fix. Then I’d really be in a pickle as you can’t fix what isn’t there!
All my previous fights for my health had not been in vain.
I knew this, yet the darkness descended. Anyone who has done a complete overhaul on an engine can tell you that it isn’t easy. My journey ahead isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to be messy, dirty, and bumpy – but it will be worth it.
I knew I would come out of the funk I found myself in. I knew that the excitement over the good news would come. I knew that in Jesus there is life. I knew that the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:4-5)
Darkness cannot overcome the light of Christ. Ever!
Even knowing all of these things, it took me a while to break free. Friends, there is victory in Christ, but that victory doesn’t always come easily and sometimes we have to fight for it. So I fought.
How did I fight when I didn’t have any fight left in me? I read God’s Word, the Bible. I asked friends to pray for me. My family was praying for me.
Then, one night I had it out with God.
I cried out to Him and told Him that I was done. I told Him that I had no strength to fight. I told Him that I couldn’t do it. And I couldn’t. Without Him, I would surely give up and die. I was fresh out of fight and I was weak. I was tired. I desperately needed Him.
What He did next was beautiful. Personal. Miraculous.
Until next time,
Josie
“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthains 13:7