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Chronic Illness

The Fight Before the Fight (Part 1)

Answers! I finally have some answers, and a lot more questions. Last week I received the results of my DNA test, or at least some of them. This is going to be a process.

Have you ever received test results that you should be happy about but for some reason you just couldn’t muster up the energy to be happy? That was me. I spent almost an hour on the phone going over the big picture DNA results with my practitioner.

There was a lot of bad news. Frankly, I’m a mess. It’s a miracle I’m even functioning with all the crazy stuff going on with my DNA, or rather, what’s not going on with it. Critical parts of my DNA are severely damaged, but the good news is those parts are there and they can be fixed. It’s like my body is a vehicle and the engine is totally shot. Kaput. Not working – at all. The good news is, we can fix the engine and get it running again.

I should be thrilled. My body is fixable! After an entire lifetime of chronic illness, could this be the answer? Is it really possible to fix my broken body for good? I’ve gotten my hopes up so many times. So many times I thought, “This is it. This is the answer I’ve been waiting for!” And then it wasn’t.

I felt overwhelmed. I’ve been struggling with fatigue a lot lately, but as soon as I hung up that phone I felt the darkness descend and I was immediately, completely, and fully exhausted. Even knowing that this might be my last big fight, I didn’t have any fight left in me.

I was done.

I didn’t want to fight anymore. I couldn’t fight anymore.

I wanted this to be over. For good.

My brain told me that I should be happy, that this was good news.

My practitioner had explained how the things we have done in the past kept the engine in my truck. Without the things we have already done it would have fallen out the rusted out shell and there would be no engine to fix. Then I’d really be in a pickle as you can’t fix what isn’t there!

All my previous fights for my health had not been in vain.

I knew this, yet the darkness descended. Anyone who has done a complete overhaul on an engine can tell you that it isn’t easy. My journey ahead isn’t going to be easy. It’s going to be messy, dirty, and bumpy – but it will be worth it.

I knew I would come out of the funk I found myself in. I knew that the excitement over the good news would come. I knew that in Jesus there is life. I knew that the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:4-5)

Darkness cannot overcome the light of Christ. Ever!

Even knowing all of these things, it took me a while to break free. Friends, there is victory in Christ, but that victory doesn’t always come easily and sometimes we have to fight for it. So I fought.

How did I fight when I didn’t have any fight left in me? I read God’s Word, the Bible. I asked friends to pray for me. My family was praying for me.

Then, one night I had it out with God.

I cried out to Him and told Him that I was done. I told Him that I had no strength to fight. I told Him that I couldn’t do it. And I couldn’t. Without Him, I would surely give up and die. I was fresh out of fight and I was weak. I was tired. I desperately needed Him.

What He did next was beautiful. Personal. Miraculous.

Until next time,

Josie

“Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” – 1 Corinthains 13:7

About Author

Josie is a writer, photographer, and lover of all things adventurous. I'll walk alongside you and help you discover joy for your journey and freedom in Christ!

13 Comments

  • cssbaker
    February 16, 2020 at 6:31 pm

    I love that our heavenly Father is so much bigger than anything we face. That He welcomes our honesty laced with reverence. He’s here, with us, and for us. Thank you for sharing your journey, Josie. You are surrounded by love and countless prayers. Love you!

    Reply
    • Josie Siler
      February 16, 2020 at 6:40 pm

      Amen, sister! Thank you so much for your prayers. Love you too!

      Reply
  • Jeanne Doyon
    February 17, 2020 at 7:04 pm

    Thinking of you as you sift through all of this.

    Reply
  • Karisa Moore
    February 18, 2020 at 6:51 pm

    Your post made me think of Elijah and his time in the desert. God met him where he was. “Friends, there is victory in Christ, but that victory doesn’t always come easily and sometimes we have to fight for it. So I fought.” Yes. I have countless times when the answer didn’t come right away, but it did come. In the meantime, there is comfort and closeness with God.

    Reply
    • Josie Siler
      February 19, 2020 at 10:12 am

      Thanks for sharing that, Karisa. I hadn’t thought of Elijah and his time in the desert. I’m so glad that even when things are hard, God is there. May we have the eyes to see Him!

      Reply
  • candycecarden.com
    February 19, 2020 at 10:21 am

    “… one night I had it out with God.” I love the honesty in that statement. It took me a long time to get comfortable expressing my anger, frustrations, and resentment to God in an honest way. But when I did, He blessed me.

    Reply
    • Josie Siler
      February 19, 2020 at 10:57 am

      It’s like when Jacob wrestled with God and wouldn’t give up until he got his blessing. So often we don’t think we can be honest with God, He already knows our deepest thoughts and feelings. If we can’t share how we’re truly feeling with Him, who can we share with? He understands us like no one else can!

      Reply
  • […] I have the best readers! After last week’s post, the love, support, and encouragement poured in. I appreciate you all so much. If you missed The Fight Before the Fight (Part 1) you can read it here. […]

    Reply
  • Katherine Pasour
    February 20, 2020 at 8:46 pm

    What a powerful message, Josie. You have beautifully shown us a story of faith and perseverance. Praying for you!

    Reply
  • Jeannie Waters
    February 20, 2020 at 11:08 pm

    Josie, thank you for encouraging us with your health issues. I’m thankful the God of Comfort stands beside you.

    Reply

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