Chronic Illness

You’re Killing Me, Smalls!

The Sandlot? Anyone? Such a great movie! I know I’m not the only one who has borrowed that fantastic line from the movie and use it way too often. Last time I shared about some of my health issues and how I’ve been waiting for – ev – er for my DNA test results to come in. I sent them off on October 8th so yeah, it’s been a while. But I think the waiting is coming to an end. Recently I had to send off a signed release form and health questionnaire to the place that is analyzing the results. That must mean they have them and I’ll soon know what they show.

Seriously though, a little more information would be nice. It’s been crickets since October. You’re killing me, Smalls! . . . or at least this wait is trying to kill my nerves. I mentioned last time that the closer it gets to knowing, the harder it gets to wait. Now that I know that it will be soon, it’s even harder to wait. You know the feeling, the knot in your gut that twists a little tighter every time you think about it. The shortness of breath when you think about it a little too much and forget to breathe.

Grandfather Mountain.jpg

Grandfather Mountain, NC

It’s like the day before Christmas, but you’re unsure if you’re going to get the present of your dreams or a lump of coal. I wrote in my journal last night that I feel as if I’m standing on the edge of a giant cliff. Fog has filled in around the cliff, hiding the bottom of the valley from my view. Does a peaceful river run beneath my feet or jagged rocks? I can feel someone standing behind me and I know they’re going to push me over the side any second.

It’s that feeling of nervous anticipation – uncertainty mixed with excitement. And the feeling is doubled because I’m not only waiting to hear back from the clinic, I’m also waiting to hear back from an agent I queried. And tomorrow the feeling will be tripled because I just finished drafting a query letter to a publisher with my children’s book manuscripts attached. I’ll hit send on that email in the morning before I head to an eye appointment that I’m hoping will distract me from thinking too much!

Have you ever been in a place where everything seems to be coming together, but you have no idea what the puzzle will look like once all the pieces are in place? The puzzle pieces are coming together for me on the top of this beautiful foggy cliff and pretty soon I’m going to be nudged off of it. But it’s okay because even though I may free fall for a while, God will help me build my wings on the way down and pretty soon I’ll be flying. The fog will lift and I will be greeted with the most beautiful view as I fly to my next destination, wherever that may be.

I’m so thankful that I place my hope in the Lord and that He fills me with the most incredible peace in the midst of it all. Even though I want to shout, “You’re killing me, Smalls!” at life sometimes, I rejoice in the fact that my big and mighty God gives me life – abundant life! He’s offering the same gift to you, all you have to do is receive it.

Until next time,


About Author

I'm the author of "Howie's Broken Hee-Haw," a photographer, and lover of all things adventurous. I'll walk alongside you and help you discover joy for your journey and freedom in Christ!


  • Cathy Baker
    February 3, 2020 at 4:49 am

    I’m excited for you, Josie! Praying all the news will come back in your favor – to God be the glory! Keep us posted. 🙂

    • Josie Siler
      February 3, 2020 at 8:29 am

      Thank you so much, Cathy! I will. 🙂

  • kassfogle
    February 3, 2020 at 9:09 pm

    So much, all at once! And not little stuff, but the big stuff too! The agent waiting is is a slow simmer, butGod will pair you with exactly the right agent to find the exact right publisher. Let those peaceful waters flow. You have so much hope to offer others so I’m hopeful for you! And yes, one of life’s great movies. 😊

    • Josie Siler
      February 3, 2020 at 9:23 pm

      Thanks so much, Kass! You’re so right!


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